by Dante De Luca
My dear people,
Once upon a time, there was a call center. The people at the call center would phone people all over the country during their supper-times to request that they fill out surveys. I myself was once one of them, and one thing I learned is that most people absolutely hate and despise filling out surveys. However, I am a heartless promoter of survey-filling-out, and I am here today during your supper-time to try to convince you to fill out another survey.
You are probably saying to yourself right now, “I am a busy person. Busy people do not fill out surveys. Therefore, I am not going to fill out this survey, Q.E.D.” It is true, sometimes it does seem that one has no time for trivialities such as survey-filling-out. However, it is obvious that you have time for such things as reading blog posts like this one. Surely filling out the survey is a much better use of your time. It does not even take very long; it took me only about fifteen minutes at 45 wpm, including download and upload time.
Furthermore, it is not as though we were unwilling to bribe you to fill out the survey. Indeed, we are willing to give you a grand tour of Parliament courtesy of Mr Gilman, our resident Parliamentary tour guide and Vice-President. Further, we also have a Chapters gift card which we are willing to give to somebody who fills out the survey. The exact amount on the gift card has not been determined yet (evidently it is a surprise, but I guarantee it will be ≥ $5). As of now, your chance of winning is approximately 6.25%, which is quite good. However, we will not be able to accept entries for this draw after February 5, because we will be choosing a winner on that day, which event you may witness if you attend Andrea Mrozek’s lecture.
The rules for filling out the survey are simple. First, you use the link below to download the survey in .doc (Microsoft Word) format, or you can email me and ask for an alternative format if you prefer. Second, you open the file in your favourite text editor, and answer the questions. You may highlight, underline, or circle your chosen responses, or delete all the other choices, as you like. It really doesn’t matter, so long as we can understand it. You may even respond using haiku if that is your preferred method. When you are finished, save it in a commonly-used format (or keep the .doc format) and email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Lastly, wait and see if you have won a Chapters gift card.
Therefore, without further ado, I present to you: